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Dear Reader,
We are delighted to announce that our new book, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, will be published by Ballantine Books in March 1995. In honor of the new book, the National Center for Overcoming Overeating will launch The Women's Campaign to End Body Hatred and Dieting. Starting in March, we plan to hold speakouts in various cities where women can talk about their experiences and join together to work on this issue in an ongoing way. As part of the campaign, on International No-Diet Day next year (May 6), we will call upon women across the country to clean their closets of all the clothes that no longer fit and donate them to the homeless. We plan to develop materials that will describe many ways for women to join this grass roots, ongoing campaign; the newsletter will document the progress of the campaign. We're sure you agree that the time has come to end body hatred and put the diet industry out of business. The initial speakouts will be sponsored mainly by local bookstores, but we are open to all suggestions. Please, please get in touch with us and let us know your ideas for the campaign.
Much of our new book is about life beyond mouth hunger -- in other words, handling feelings in new ways. As you know, the more you feed yourself in response to stomach hunger, the less mouth hunger you experience. That's because reparenting yourself by feeding yourself on demand makes you feel more secure, less anxious, and more prepared to address your anxiety directly when it occurs. But it's not always easy to know what to do about intense feelings when you no longer feel such a strong need to eat in response to them.
Recently, in our New York weekly workshop, Donna, an old hand at this approach, told the following story: "I don't experience much mouth hunger anymore, but there's a certain state I get into that invariably makes me want to eat. I'm often very behind at work and I feel enormous pressure about it. I'm sure I'm going to be late getting something done and that the client will blame me for the consequences. I get so frightened that all I can think about is eating. I really don't want the food, it doesn't help me in any real way to eat it, but I can't come up with an alternative."
We asked if anyone had a response to Donna's predicament and several women reported being stymied by similar situations. It seems that as mouth hunger begins to fade, certain feeling states continue to trigger thoughts about food. We asked Donna what she thought she was looking for when she turned to food. "It doesn't make any logical sense," she replied. "I guess I want comfort, calming down, all the things that are associated with food early in life. The less mouth hunger I have, the crazier the idea seems that putting a cookie in my mouth could alter the fact that I feel like my job and my life are on the line."
It is true that when any of us reach for food when we are not hungry, we are reaching back in time to a symbol of early comfort and nurturance. It is also true that as Donna continues to feed herself when she's hungry and to take good care of herself in many other ways, increasingly she will be able to calm herself down in situations that are difficult for her. However, it would help if she understood more precisely what she is seeking from food when she has mouth hunger.
We make an assumption that when you need to reach for food and you are not hungry, something is up that you feel unprepared to deal with internally. In other words, you need some kind of caretaking that you cannot find within yourself so you look for it in food. What precisely was Donna unable to do for herself that left her vulnerable to mouth hunger?
We talked with her more and focused in on her fear of punishment in the situation at work. She was afraid that she would do something wrong and be blamed for her mistake; clients would be angry and that would jeopardize her job. Donna felt unable to do anything for herself in the face of this imagined danger. She did not have a counterproposal when she imagined herself accused of not being good enough. Or did she?
When Donna imagined herself accused, she did have a thought -- to eat! Think about it. In your dieting days, what were you saying when, defiantly, you approached the cupboard or the refrigerator? "To hell with it! Who says I shouldn't have this? I want it, I need it, and I'm going to eat it!" Even when you give yourself permission to eat in response to mouth hunger, the message is similar: "I need to eat. I deserve to give to myself." Eating is always an assertion of basic entitlement. Being fed or providing food for yourself implies "I am entitled to be here."
In the situation at work, Donna was struggling against the idea that there was something wrong with her for being behind in her work. She was unable to say to herself, "Okay. Even if everyone gets mad at me, I'm not going to go along with them and get down on myself. Realistically, there's an enormous amount of work to do. Maybe there are ways I could learn to be more efficient and I'd like to work on that, but whether or not I measure up to their expectations in this particular instance, I refuse to trash myself." Because Donna's self-regard was wavering, she needed to go to food to assert secretly what she was unable to assert openly: "Regardless of my behavior in this particular circumstance, I deserve self-love and respect -- I deserve to have and to exist!"
Hearty Appetites,
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Stopping, challenging, and changing bad body thoughts is an essential part of Overcoming Overeating. But changing bad body thoughts into accepting and loving body observations and feelings is a long, hard struggle for most women using the approach. Clearly, our fat-phobic society promotes body hatred in women at every turn and it is no wonder that freeing ourselves from bad body thoughts feels like such an uphill battle. However, we all know that the discomfort and anxiety created by our bad body thoughts prompt us to seek comfort from food. We also know that these negative thoughts have never helped us lose weight. Therefore, based on our own experiences, we have a good, logical argument to combat the social pressure to stay mired in bad body thoughts: If they don't work, why bother entertaining them? Yet bad body thoughts continue to plague us.
We propose that in addition to challenging and changing bad body thoughts, a process of "collecting good body experiences" will enhance size and shape acceptance and decrease the frequency of these negative thoughts. We would like to elaborate on this idea and suggest ways to accumulate these experiences.
The process of achieving self- and size acceptance is not a linear one, moving from one step to the next in an organized fashion. As researcher and educator Cheri Erdman describes, the process is more like a spiral. Think of juggling a "slinky" toy from one hand to the other, with ups and downs, ins and outs, and an unpredictable shakiness.
Think about how you've made progress with your eating. If you're like most of us, "ups and downs with an unpredicable shakiness" probably describes your experience of moving from mouth hunger eating to stomach hunger eating. In fact, the work you've done on your eating can teach you a lot about developing a different feeling about your body.
How about collecting good body experiences in much the same way you collected stomach hunger experiences when you first learned about demand feeding? As you know, the more experiences of feeding stomach hunger you collect, the more secure you feel; feeling secure or less anxious leads to a decrease in your mouth hunger. The more good body experiences you collect, the more self-accepting you will feel; feeling accepting and loving towards your body will lead to a decrease in bad body thoughts.
Focus on any accepting, loving, exciting experiences you have or create about your body. The chances are that these will involve times when you become aware that even though your body does not meet the current societal ideal, you are liking it and enjoying it. Welcome good body experiences the way you try to welcome stomach hunger -- "Hey! This is great!" Once you have a stock of good body experiences, no one can take them away. Even when you turn a corner and are bombarded by a fat-phobic advertisement, your reserve of positive feelings will help you challenge the message. Remind yourself that what you're seeing is a cultural bad body thought. Eventually you will notice that the grudging acceptance you granted yourself initially -- "I accept my body but I still really hate it" -- has given way to a genuine appreciation for all that's yours.
What are these good body experiences? Do you ever feel great wearing something that's particularly comfortable and that you like a lot? Are you ever pleasantly surprised when you try on something in a color or style that's atypical for you? Do you ever look in the mirror and find yourself seeing a part of your body in a new, more loving way? What about a sudden feeling of enjoyment as you're out walking? Do you ever stretch your muscles in a big body yawn and feel great? Move in some way that feels energizing, strong, or soothing? What about how wonderful your body feels relaxed in a warm tub? Do you appreciate your body when it provides you with sexual pleasure? How about those times when you just feel snug all over?
These delightful moments of good body experiences often get lost amidst lots of bad body noise. We encourage you to hold on to the pleasure of these moments. You have experienced them and they are real. They cannot be taken away from you just because a magazine that idealizes unnaturally thin women catches your eye, or a radio commercial for a new diet program catches your ear. If you find yourself having difficulties collecting good body experiences, try to see the difficulty as an opportunity to gather infor- mation about what's in your way. Just as some people have difficulty allowing themselves to be hungry because the sensation frightens them, others have trouble allowing themselves to buy clothes, or look in the mirror, or move in the ways their bodies might like. Do you need some help in sorting out some of the issues? Or can you nudge yourself gently along by yourself or with the support of friends?
It is inevitable that your attempt to gather good body experiences will be constantly disrupted. This happens because you see pictures in magazines promoting body-shaping remedies "that really work." Or you gain some weight as you legalize foods and have a hard time adjusting to your new size. Or you feel pressure about your size from family or friends. Because of this constant interference from the outside world, every good body experience counts for a lot. Welcoming and "playing up" good body experiences ("Hey, this is terrific! I'm feeling really wonderful/loose/fit/sexy right now!") builds internal strength and confidence in your just-fine-at-any-size body. The more confidence you feel, the more prepared you'll be to deal with bad body thoughts.
Bad body thoughts are like mouth hunger. In the past, when you ate compulsively, you would say, "My problem is food. I am bad for eating." You made a translation from the language of feelings, through food, to the language of food and fat. Bad body thoughts work the same way. They occur when something else is going on that is hard to deal with. Instead of naming the problem you're having at the moment, you turn to your body and call it fat, ugly, too big, awful, or any other epithet.
As you collect experiences of feeding stomach hunger, your mouth hunger becomes more sporadic and as it does, you are able to use it to learn about yourself. Your mouth hunger becomes a signal that something is bothering you. As you collect good body experiences, your bad body thoughts can also function as clues to your emotional life. In both cases, stopping the yelling is key. If you're tempted to beat up on your body, try to be gentle with yourself and then try to understand what you're feeling that you're tempted to deflect onto your body. Explore your bad body thoughts as translations without judging them, just as with mouth hunger you attempt to understand what else is bothering you in a compassionate way.
What is a "normal" body size? One group of women lamenting how much they wished to be thinner, realized that if this were 1950, their bodies would have been right in there with Marilyn Monroe's or Jane Mansfield's. If the dress doesn't fit, the dress should be altered. If the cultural ideal doesn't fit, it's the ideal that needs changing. It is our hope that one day, size diversity will be as common a term as ethnic, racial, and religious diversity. Seeking out good body experiences and sharing them with others lead us all in the right direction.
Wishing you well,
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What are some of the ways you can lay the groundwork for good body experiences? Here are some ideas:
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What if large bodies were back in vogue? What if bodies like mine (or yours) were looked at, admired, even photographed by crowds of people?
When I heard that the bronze sculptures by artist and sculptor Fernando Botero would be on display along Chicago's Michigan Avenue, I knew I had to see this phenomenon. Little did I know that I would learn as much from people's reactions to the exhibit as from the works themselves.
I first mentioned the Boteros to a friend. "I see them every day on my way to work," she said, wincing. "They're just too big. It's like when you look in the mirror -- yuck!" I didn't bother to explain that I try not to say "yuck" anymore.
I decided that not only would I see the sculptures, I would be photographed with one of those huge women. I wanted proof that someone in this time and culture could see the beauty of my body. Maybe it would help me to see it too.
But who would take the picture? I didn't feel comfortable asking just anyone. I was afraid that most of my friends and coworkers wouldn't understand, and I didn't want to discuss these very personal feelings. Some of my friends are still caught up in the diet-exercise cycle, and at times I feel they think of me as a "quitter." I didn't want to get into that debate.
The exhibit was definitely touching a raw nerve and, combined with my natural tendency to procrastinate, my unease enabled me to avoid the Boteros for the entire summer. So here I was, on the eve of the last day of the exhibit, with no plan. I packed my camera and decided to go see the Boteros on my lunch hour the next day. At the very least, I would have pictures of the sculptures for myself.
As I was getting ready to leave for lunch, one of my coworkers, Mary Anne, asked, "What's for lunch?"
Uh-oh. "I, uh, don't know," I stammered. "I thought I'd just go for a walk."
"Oh yeah? Where to? Maybe I'll go with you."
"I thought I'd go to the Loop," I mumbled.
"The Loop? What's there?"
Mary Anne is a good friend and not a person who is easily evaded. I finally explained that it was the last day of the Botero exhibit.
"Oh, I've been dying to see that! Can I go with you?" Mary Ann asked.
We got off the bus at Michigan and Washington and crossed over to Grant Park where the bronze statues were displayed. My first reaction was delight. Such...abundance!
I was surprised about a couple of things. First of all, the sculptures were not all of women. There were large men, too, and even large animals! My favorite was the cat, who had a wide, smiling face and a fat tail like a balloon. Another work, ironically called "Little Bird," had a huge breast and puffy, cartoonlike feet.
I didn't remember hearing about these subjects during the media coverage of the exhibit. It seemed all the emphasis was on the audacious, large women.
I had expected all of the works to be huge. This was my second surprise. Oh, they were larger than life, but not so big as to be intimidating.
But the women -- they were the stars. So beautiful, with their naked curves and flowing hair. Who would not want to look like them? Their faces were proud, without a trace of self-consciousness or shame. They seemed to say "Look at me!"
Mary Anne seemed to like the exhibit as much as I did, but I wasn't sure about her reaction to the women. "They sure are big!" was her only comment.
On a hunch, I asked if I could take her picture with one of the sculptures. She picked "Little Bird" and I took the photo. Then (as I had hoped), she volunteered to take one of me. I picked a statue of a woman with huge hips and thighs, standing atop the head of a man. (Not sure what Botero's message was here.)
We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and had a pleasant walk back to the office. A few days later, I brought the pictures to work to show Mary Anne. Another coworker, Beth, was nearby and Mary Anne asked if she had seen the Boteros. Beth said, "Yes, and I hated them! I know everyone raved about them, but I think they're ugly! I was so relieved to hear that they're not here permanently!"
Mary Anne was a little taken aback, but said emphatically, "I loved them! I thought they were great!"
Beth looked at our pictures and shuddered with disgust. "They're grotesque!"
Grotesque. I felt a stab of pain. Is that what she thinks when she looks at me? Is that what other people think?
"Well," I said lamely, "I guess that's the nature of art. Everyone sees something different."
"I wouldn't even say that," Beth replied.
"What?"
"That they're art."
Some time later, I was able to deal with Beth's remarks. After all, she's just one person, I thought. It's not as if I were being approached by a committee.
I chuckled to myself at the idea. A mental picture appeared -- a somber group of coworkers, worried looks on their faces. They surround my desk. The spokesperson sits down, patting my hand. "Karen, dear, we're concerned about you. We've noticed that you've stopped trying to lose weight. You seem to be satisfied with your body. In fact, lately you've been acting like you think you're attractive! Well, we're here to tell you that you're not. You're grotesque. And no man is going to be attracted to you unless you..."
"Well," I said to my fantasy committee, "Who are you? What are your credentials? Do you really represent everyone (including that attractive man in another department whom I've been planning to ask out)? I have my own ideas about the definition of attractive. You're right when you say I seem satisfied with my body and that I'm no longer trying to lose weight. It's a new me." The committee dispersed and I came out of my reverie.
Like many of you, I'm still struggling to accept (and sometimes even love) my body. Today's body, not yesterday's or tomorrow's. But the day I saw the Boteros, I saw my own body -- on display before God and Chicago. And not only displayed, but photographed, admired, and honored as a work of art. *
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? If you are a little girl growing up in this food- and weight-obsessed society, it is never you. The message is clear: To become the fairest of them all you need to starve yourself and stay young forever. By now, you would think that the message would have changed. We have fought hard for equal access to jobs, training programs, scholarships, government seats, et al, and to some extent there are more opportunities awaiting our daughters than ever before. Given their better situation, why don't girls today look in the mirror and like what they see? Why do they continue to see themselves as inadequate or not good enough?
With increased female power come increased anxieties. For young girls and women, that means increased body preoccupation irrespective of weight. Growing up female means learning to body-shape rather than life-shape when things are difficult or things go wrong. We constantly rearrange ourselves with the expectation that physical transformation will mean life transformation.
No matter how tough, how powerful, or how ambitious they are, girls are always being reminded of their "proper" position in life. The other day in the mail I received The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. This deluxe edition is the complete guide to superheros of the day. Each hero and heroine has a page or more documenting his or her history. Here's what I discovered: Captain Marvel is a woman and a woman of great powers. But she hasn't forgotten what counts! The comic book reads, "After spending several weeks in outer space, she found that she had lost a noticeable amount of weight by the time she returned to Earth." Obviously, weight loss or gain was not mentioned in the write-ups about her male counterparts. Let all the young girls who read this magazine remember that no matter how powerful they are, body size is key!
Mimi Nichter of the University of Arizona Department of Anthropology recently studied the attitudes of white and black teenage girls toward body image. Ninety percent of the white girls she studied expressed dissatisfaction with their bodies; 70 percent of black teenage girls were satisfied with their weight. The difference may be due to the fact that black girls do not identify with the cultural images presented to them. The white girls described the perfect girl as 5 feet 7 inches, weighing just over 100 pounds with long legs and flowing hair. Obviously, Barbie is alive and well in the hearts of most American white girls. Barbie, who celebrated her thirty-fifth birthday this year, has never changed. And neither have the images presented to children. We may have attained a certain level of power, but our eye is still focused on the prize -- the unattainable skinny body.
How can we take up the challenge and present our kids with images that truly represent the diversity of body sizes, colors and shapes? How do we embrace the child who is in the ninetieth as well as the child who's in the tenth percentile on the growth charts? Who says that one size is better than the other? Where did that idea come from? We need a size acceptance movement for children. It should be led by them, with a gentle push from us.
We must think of ways to challenge the ideology that permeates Marvel comic books and Barbie dolls. Children come in all sizes and shapes and their uniqueness should be celebrated. Mattel should sell Barbie alternatives. Someone should publish a superhero comic book with women of power of all sizes (Captain Marvel is 5'10" and weighs 130 pounds).
The next time you hear a young girl berating herself for what she looks like, help her challenge that thought. Explain how we have all been taught to hate our bodies and to focus on them instead of on what's really bothering us. When your child complains that her clothes don't fit because she's too fat, tell her she is perfectly fine the way she is and that it's time to buy new clothes. If your son comes home crying because the kids at school teased him for being fat, let him know that he doesn't have to be ashamed that his body is large. Some children are tall, others are short, some read well or are good in math, while others are accomplished athletes. His size needs no apology. He need not remain silent when he's provoked and neither should you. When you're silent, you collude with a culture that says fat is bad.
The time has come for us to say "No more" on behalf of our children as well as ourselves. Intervene wherever you can. Write in and tell us what happened. We'll write it up in this column. We must fight back against the body-hating messages our children absorb so early and easily. *
Dear OO:
I would like some help on handling a situation that left me angry and upset.
A woman and her "husky" son were at the fish counter of a local grocery store. The mother asked the clerk if orange roughy was a "diet" fish. The clerk answered that it is a low-fat fish.
She then asked her son what size portion he could have according to his diet. He flipped through the stack of stapled paper he was holding to find the answer. It appeared that they had just come from a doctor's office as the papers did not have the sleek look of a corporate diet group's manual.
The mother announced that they were only buying diet food today. This poor child looked like he wished the floor could swallow him up.
This child is being set up for FAILURE. His mother probably thinks she is helping her son -- she's only buying food for his diet today! What a sacrifice! Should we give her a medal?
I was so bothered by this incident. I wanted to yell at the mother -- but instead, I yelled at myself for not doing anything
What would be a better way of handling a situation like this?
Sincerely,
Eunice
Dear Eunice:
It is unfortunate that the situation you describe has been experienced by many of us. Feelings of anger, sadness, and helplessness are natural when you see a child treated in this way. After all, you have worked your way out of the cycle that this young boy may just be beginning. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could prevent this pain for him? However, just as you firmly believe that you have found a better way, this mother believes in what she is doing, and probably would not be able to hear anything different. You did nothing wrong by not intervening. Staying with your own feelings about the situation, rather than yelling at yourself, would be a more compassionate way for you to respond to yourself.
Because you feel strongly about the Overcoming Overeating approach, think about ways you might promote this work to newcomers to the antidiet philosophy. Perhaps you could invite a group of friends over to discuss the issues of body hatred and dieting; if you don't have a formal Overcoming Overeating group in your area, you might set up a peer support group. Or maybe each time you're included in a conversation about dieting, you could declare yourself diet-free and say a little about your philosophy. You overheard a discussion in the grocery store, but no doubt you're included in many other conversations on the topic.
Dear OO:
A few weeks ago I had my physical exam, and I was so surprised at the results! Ironically, the year I quit dieting and ate whatever I wanted, not giving a single thought to calories or fat content or even sugar content for that matter, I lost 24 pounds, my cholesterol came down from 241 to 215, and my blood sugar A1C test was 5.4 (nondiabetic level)! Was my doctor ever surprised! I made sure I told him about the Overcoming Overeating approach and how this was the year I quit dieting for good! He said, "Well, whatever you're doing, just keep doing it!" I'm not really even concerned about the weight loss or all these numbers, but I think it's really neat to have documented physical "proof" that this approach works. And when I say that it works, I mean I've achieved all these great results without being food-obsessed or weight-obsessed. I hardly ever give a thought to those issues anymore! I can hardly believe I'm the same person I was a little over a year ago when I started demand feeding!
I also wanted to let you know that my diabetes control is going really well. After talking with Dana Armstrong [Ed. note: Dana is a nutritionist who practices in Salinas, California, using the Overcoming Overeating ideas. She was interviewed in the Overcoming Overeating Newsletter, Vol. 1, No. 1] and getting some ideas, I sort of established my own methods. I'm using the same rule of thumb that I use in the OO approach -- anything goes! I've sort of become more of an "observer" than a "judge" when it comes to blood sugar monitoring. I observe the results and make changes when necessary -- but only if I want to make changes! And as far as the Coke vs. Diet Coke decision, I realized I don't have to make a decision! I have Diet Coke when I don't want a real sweet taste and I have Coke when I do. That's what I just love about this program--there are no blacks and whites, only greys! This gives me so much peace about everything. No more "shoulds" or "yelling" because there are no rules.
Recently, my husband and I purchased a NordicTrak® ski machine and it was so funny. When I placed the order, the salesman wanted to know what health goals I had. We'd already discussed the fact that I weigh around 260 because I needed to know which model I should buy. So, of course, he assumed I wanted the machine for weight loss. What was so interesting is weight loss didn't even enter my mind! No kidding! I wanted the machine because I've had chronic fatigue syndrome for the past four years (and still do) and I wanted something that would be fun, but easy, that I could do when I felt like it.
I also want to help control my diabetes and lower my blood pressure and generally get my heart in good shape. I kept telling the salesman that if I happen to lose weight, that would be a good side benefit, but that wasn't my focus. He acted so surprised. I bet he hasn't been told that very often! Also, he was telling me how you just have to force yourself to do this every day and have a lot of willpower to keep it up. I told him that I'm not even calling it "working out." I don't like that term. I consider it a "toy" and I like to "play" on it. But if I don't want to, I don't have to. It's always my choice! That way I won't rebel against it! He thought that was a great new perspective and said he might try that attitude himself! We'll change the world, yet!
Jacki
Dear OO:
I am still afraid to let enough time go by to feel my hunger signal. I get angry because it only takes a bite or two or three to satisfy my hunger when I do. Chewing and tasting are a big part of my life. I love to eat. I enjoy food immensely. But, you know, it rarely tastes as absolutely wonderful as I imagine it will. I wonder why that is.
I also am having a heck of a time figuring out less harmful ways to care for myself than eating. I really don't have a lot of things I'd rather do. I've even imagined if money was no object what would I like to do. Nothing much happens there either. Thanks for listening.
Joanne
Dear Joanne:
You've raised several issues. Many women have a bittersweet feeling as they begin to reconnect eating with physiological hunger and discover that it often takes very little food to satisfy them. Your anger is understandable. Food has given you a lot of solace in your life. It has been your friend at the same time that it's been your enemy. Saying goodbye and mourning the loss of this friend is very difficult. But, think about what you get in return -- yourself.
If the food isn't tasting as good as you imagine it should, it may be because food is no longer magical and it does not work as well to calm you down. This might make you a bit angry as well. Check to see whether at those moments the food doesn't taste especially good because you're trying to use it for emotional reasons. If you're responding to stomach hunger, perhaps you could make a better match.
Many people with eating problems would like to figure out other ways to care for themselves. But if you're a compulsive eater, when you need to turn to food to distract yourself from what's going on, another activity simply won't do it. Food symbolizes comfort and caretaking. The more you feed yourself when you're stomach hungry, the more cared about you'll feel; the more cared about you feel, the better the chances are that after a while, you'll be able to comfort yourself at difficult moments without turning to food. In the meantime, the best way to care for yourself at these moments of mouth hunger is to be compassionate about your need to turn to food and not reproach yourself for eating. The kinder you are, the less intense the mouth hunger will be.
In the last issue of the newsletter, we discussed rediscovering and responding to the signal of physiological hunger. After asking yourself "Am I hungry?" the next step in demand feeding is to say, "Of all the foods in the world, what exactly do I want to eat right now?" If you have truly legalized all foods and are well stocked both at home and in your food bag, you will be able to respond accurately to your body's messages about what foods you need. If you're having trouble making the match, these answers to frequently asked questions may help you.
The process of figuring out what you want to eat, known as "making the match," like any new skill, takes practice. For the first time in many years you have given yourself permission to eat whatever you want without judgment or yelling. Ironically, after years of rebelling against the restraints of diets by compulsively eating "illegal" foods, women are often surprised to find that without food rules to obey or disobey, they do not know what foods they actually like or need.
To hone in on what foods you might want to eat, make a list of the foods you think you would like or take some time to walk the supermarket aisles and notice what interests you. The trick is to buy many kinds of foods and allow yourself to experiment. Imagine that your fairy godmother arrives at the door with all the foods you might want; what has she brought? (You may find it helpful to do the "Food House Fantasy" exercise on the Overcoming Overeating Introductory Workshop tapes.)
At the moment of physical hunger, women use a variety of techniques to identify what food they're hungry for. Some people simply choose a food that they crave, one that just seems to come to mind. Others ask themselves a series of questions including "What sort of feeling would satisfy the sensation in my stomach right now? Do I want something hot or cold? Light or heavy? Chewy or crunchy? Spicy or bland? Salty? Sweet? Oily? Dry?"
Remember that you are trying to find out what your body needs at this particular moment of hunger. Some people start by identifying a taste they want in their mouth and others start by sensing what feeling they want in their stomach. Although you want to choose foods that taste good to you, what's most important is to think about how the food is going to feel in your stomach. Try out several foods in your imagination and let your stomach respond to the thought of each of them until you make the match. Listening to your body takes conscious effort in the beginning, but becomes more natural over time. Remember that noncompulsive eaters also take a moment to ask themselves what they are hungry for. This gentle attunement to your body's needs is a reminder that you are important and deserve good caretaking.
At first, this belief that anything at all will satisfy your stomach hunger may be a response to the fact that many foods still glitter and are of interest to you. You have not yet learned to discriminate one food from another. However, as you begin to tune in to your hunger needs, you will discover that different foods do feel differently in your stomach.
Do you feel entitled to get exactly what you need? In order to be very specific about what food item will satisfy you at a particular moment, you must believe that you deserve to respond to yourself in an attuned way. Feeling entitled to notice what you are hungry for and, if necessary, to go out of your way to get it, means asserting and gratifying your particular needs as a demand feeder. Many women have a difficult time giving themselves this permission. Let's say that in your family, when you expressed a need, it went unmet, leaving you feeling disappointed. If this was a pattern, you may have stopped noticing your needs because it felt too painful to continuously be aware of your unmet longings. Now, in the Overcoming Overeating approach, you are faced with the fact that you do have specific hunger needs although you may have suppressed them for a long time. The good news is that as an adult, you have the power to feed yourself exactly what you need. And each time you give yourself permission to tune in to your stomach hunger in a precise way, you strengthen your sense of entitlement.
After discussing this issue in an Overcoming Overeating group, Penny realized that she craved home-cooked dishes but did not feel she was "worth the effort" of preparing these specialties for herself. She realized how, growing up, she felt that no one ever went out of their way for her. Encouraged by the group, Penny agreed to experiment with cooking lasagna for herself, a food she really liked. Penny reported to the group how satisfied she'd felt by the food itself and by the fact that she'd taken the time to take care of herself. These good feelings reinforced Penny's self worth. She told us that she was certain she'd cook for herself more often in the future.
A second important issue that surfaces as women try to make the match is the issue of independence. Women in our culture are taught explicitly or implicitly to "go along" with others. Making the match involves finding out who you are as an eater separate and apart from anyone else. You may discover that you want ice cream in the morning or that you need to pull out something from your food bag in the middle of a meeting. Although your wish to "fit in" is perfectly understandable, ignoring your specific hungers interferes with your efforts to solve your compulsive eating problem. The more convinced you are about the importance of feeding yourself in an attuned way and the more entitled you feel to meet your needs, the easier it will become for you to make a match, anyplace and anytime!
As you go through the process of legalizing, food begins to lose its magical qualities. Many women find that as food becomes "just food," the excitement of forbidden eating is gone and they experience a feeling of loss. There will still be lots of times when you are hungry and get exactly what you want. As Kayla put it, that experience is "most excellent!" However, as food becomes the fuel it is designed to be, to meet your body's need for energy, not every eating experience will be memorable and exciting. "It's just food," Elizabeth sighed. "I never thought I'd be able to say that!"
If you're having trouble zeroing in on your choices, make sure that you are truly viewing all foods as equal and giving yourself permission to have exactly what your stomach wants, every day for the rest of your life. Sometimes people think that having legalized pizza, for example, they should be "through it" by now and subtly censor their desire for this or some other food. Double-check to see that your supplies still include some of the foods you used to keep in large quantities. Just because a food no longer glitters does not mean you'll never want it again.
Other factors that can make it difficult to know what to eat are becoming so hungry that your stomach has a hard time discriminating or eating in response to mouth hunger. In the latter case, there is no physiological signal to match.
If you can't get a handle on what you want to eat at a given moment of stomach hunger, choose something innocuous, perhaps something bland. Since it's stomach hunger you're experiencing, it's essential that you try to respond. Remember that not every match is perfect and ask yourself what would be "good enough" at that moment.
It is really exciting when you go to a restaurant, experience hunger, crave a special dish, and it is set before you: The match feels superb! You may feel very disappointed when you find yourself wanting this special dish at some other time and it seems unavailable.
At this point, you have a number of choices, depending on what is most important to you at that moment. None of these choices is the "right" answer -- only options from which to choose.
1. Go out of your way geographically and financially to get that special dish freshly made whenever you want it.
2. Order it for pickup in quantities that you can store or freeze.
3. Attempt to recreate a recipe on your own.
If none of these options seems realistic, think about what the "next-best" choice would be for you. Something with the same texture? Or is it the particular spices that appeal to you? Would getting something with one of the same ingredients be a fairly good substitute?
Matchmaking is not always perfect and can only reflect your best efforts. Your goal is to make as close a match as you can, as often as you are able. Nudging yourself gently to go out of your way to make a good match helps you collect more satisfying stomach hunger experiences. And remember, it is significantly easier to stop eating when you are full if the match is right.
As you work your way through "glittering" foods, you may want them frequently, or constantly, for some time. Then you may move on to another type of food for a while. Or you may find that your food choices change from day to day. Each one of you is unique, and through experimentation and the hard work of stocking, replenishing, and preparing your food bag, you will come to know the foods that generally interest you; other foods will rotate into your regular circle of foods. New foods may come and go; others may stay for long periods, perhaps for a lifetime.
The most crucial aspect of making a stomach hunger match is the recognition that the hunger you feel is YOURS -- no one else's -- and only you can identify that "just right" food for you at that particular moment in time. When you make a terrific match, it feels exhilarating, calming, and nurturing.
How to
Lose the Fear |
how to lose the fear just dismiss it...thank it kindly for its
many years of perhaps you can recommend
outplacement... as the fear fades away, feel the faith
circle deep inside feel the power that you have inside, the
burning core, you can move mountains... there's nothing to fear... you are entitled... burn hot... |
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Before you began using the Overcoming Overeating approach, you may have felt anxious about eating during the winter holiday season. "How can I go to all those parties and not stuff myself?" "Why do I get through the whole evening without eating and then find myself binging at home?"
Now you can face the holiday season directly -- with its joys and disappointments -- without the fear of food. Wherever you are on your Overcoming Overeating journey, we'd like to share some ideas about enhancing your activities as a demand feeder during this time of year.
1. Bring "carry-home" containers with you to dinner parties and gatherings so that you know from the moment you step in the door that you can take food with you if you want to. Imagine complimenting your hostess or host by saying, "This really looks wonderful, but I'm just not hungry for it now. Would you mind if I take a bit home with me?" Or request the recipe so that you can provide the dish for yourself in the future. In one of our groups, we shared an eating experience in which everyone brought "more than enough" of her contribution to the potluck. Baggies, foil, and paper plates were set out to remind participants that they could take home whatever they wanted. The following week, group members were unanimous in reporting how calming it had been to know that they didn't have to eat everything at the gathering because they could take food with them to try at home. No one felt compelled to overeat. If doughnuts are offered at your office but don't match your stomach hunger, add them to your food bag for another time.
2. If you feel you'll overeat because certain foods are special for the holidays, you have several choices. You can stock up on the special foods ahead of time so they'll become everyday foods; you can keep them special and be compassionate about the mouth hunger that may occur when you're in their presence; or you can remind yourself that special foods don't get more special when you overeat them. Keep in mind that special foods are often special because of the memories attached to them. Is it the food itself you are wanting or is it a memory you want to recreate?
3. If you would like to try to be hungry at the parties or dinners, you have the option of trying to arrange your hunger to match your schedule. Remind yourself that your enjoyment or lack of enjoyment at a particular gathering is not dependent on whether or not you eat. This is difficult to remember in a culture that views food as a special bond. But when you are able to separate eating from interacting, you will be able to get in touch with how you're really feeling in a social situation.
Many women report an upsurge of bad body thoughts at this time of year. Most of us have reactions to the social and religious events of the holidays. It's also hard to be immune to all the messages about making New Year's resolutions to diet and bodyshape.
If you experience a sudden onslaught of bad body thoughts, remind yourself to set them aside compassionately and try to decode them. What are the words of your bad body thought? Do these words apply to something else that's going on with you? Perhaps the words refer to your feelings about a situation you are in or a person you are with. For example, Sue, in one of our groups, told us that as she was dressing to go to a party, she couldn't stand how she looked. After she'd rejected all of the outfits she'd tried on, she finally asked herself what it was she really couldn't stand? She realized immediately that she was unhappy about going to this party and, for the first time in her life, she gave herself permission to stay home. For someone else, the helpful solution might be quite different, but all solutions rest on correctly identifying the problem by decoding your bad body thought.
Best wishes for a healthy and satisfying year,
Carol G. and Judith M.
© Copyright 1994, The National Center for Overcoming Overeating
Contributors retain all rights to their work. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the National Center for Overcoming Overeating, P.O. Box 1257, Old Chelsea Station, New York, NY 10113-0920.
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