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Dear Reader,
Frequently we hear the lament, "Using this approach is so much work." We agree. However, as we see it, you have spent many years seeking comfort and caretaking in food; in order to reverse this trend, you need to become a more reliable caretaker of yourself than food has ever been to you. Becoming reliable to yourself requires work. Feeding yourself when you are physiologically hungry -- exactly what and how much your body craves -- is the first and fundamental step in this self-caretaking project. Other steps follow.
Think about it. You need to stock the house with food; stock your closet with clothes you love; pack your food bag; watch for bad body thoughts and handle them; respond to stomach hunger with enthusiasm and the right match; figure out when you're full; be patient with yourself when you have mouth hunger; figure out what's bothering you when you're having an upsurge of mouth hunger or bad body thoughts; learn to speak gently to yourself; and learn to hold yourself through difficult moments. There's a lot to do!
The paradox, of course, is that providing for yourself in these ways -- according to your reports -- makes you feel great and significantly diminishes your pull to seek comfort in food. Why then is it so hard to provide for yourself consistently? Why are those once well-filled cupboards now bare? Why have you been unhappy with what you've been wearing for the past few weeks and done nothing about it? How come your bad body thoughts have met with no resistance from you in quite a while? And how come your food bag is lying empty and abandoned in the car?
One evening at the Lake Austin workshop this year, the group addressed itself to this phenomenon -- resistance to self-caretaking. Let us summarize the discussion for you.
Many people are angry about having to take care of themselves. They say things like "I have no models for good caretaking. I treat myself shoddily because that's how I was treated. I don't know how to do it differently." They were neglected as kids or otherwise treated badly and they have always dreamed of being cared for differently. Becoming their own best providers means giving up the hope of reparations. They also feel that learning to provide for themselves lets their parents off the hook. They resist saying "You didn't give me what I need, but, you gave me enough so that I can learn to take care of myself differently." Refusing to provide for yourself as a way of expressing resentment about what wasn't done for you in the past is, of course, a Pyrrhic victory, but sometimes self-deprivation still feels like sweet revenge.
Another group of people report that providing for themselves in the ways we suggest leaves them no place to hide. "When I carry a food bag, stop the yelling and I'm generally nice to myself, I have less mouth hunger and I'm more aware of what I'm feeling. Yes, it's a relief not to be wrapped up in a food and weight obsession, but my emotional life is a whole lot more complicated as a result. If I cut back on my caretaking operations, I can lose myself in food and weight concerns again." Others in this group report that life seems a little dull, too "normal" without all the drama of binging and attempts to lose weight. "When I'm taking good care of myself, food is not an issue and I'm just kind of going along. I feel a loss of excitement when I'm taking care of myself and eating in this way."
These concerns explain much of your resistance to taking care of yourself consistently in the ways that are necessary to end your problem with compulsive eating. But they don't completely cover the territory. Many of you say, "When I don't want to do some of this stuff, it just feels like too much work...I feel lazy...I'm just not up to it." "What else could be going on?" we asked the women at Lake Austin.
"I don't know," said one woman, "maybe it has something to do with not feeling worth the effort. You know how it is when you feel lackluster, no energy, kind of slovenly. Everything seems like a lot of trouble, a lot of work."
"I have a good example which I think is related," someone else interjected. "A while ago I realized that I often get thirsty when I'm in my car. But it took a long time before I was willing to fill a water bottle and bring it with me consistently. I do it all the time now and I love having it, but getting to that place wasn't easy."
Someone else said that the discussion made her think about how women are trained to do for others but not for themselves. She wondered what the connection might be.
We talked about how we feel when we don't take care of ourselves. Think about how you feel at those times. You're unhappy with your outfit; you're hungry and have nothing with you to eat; you're hungry but there's nothing in the house that even comes close to what your stomach is craving; you're envying the attractiveness of every woman you encounter but you never once consider that you're having bad body thoughts. Would you say that you feel abandoned? Not worth much?
Why, we wondered, do women abandon themselves? Not worth the trouble? Why not?
It became clear to us that these behaviors which seem neglectful are not simply neglectful but are also punitive. Is it possible that when we don't take care of ourselves, we are punishing ourselves in subtle and not-so-subtle ways?
Why inflict self-punishment? Why live in a continuous state of discomfort? Whether or not we pay attention to it, we are always managing a rich inner life. In other words, we are constantly experiencing impulses, thoughts, wishes and feelings. Invariably, some of these impulses, thoughts, wishes and feelings are not in accord with our values and ideals -- the assumptions we make about what is and is not permissible for us to want, think, feel or do -- and we are in conflict.
From this perspective, when we make ourselves uncomfortable by neglecting ourselves, we are punishing ourselves for our thoughts, wishes and feelings. Until we can accept ourselves unconditionally -- with all of our wishes, aspirations, thoughts and feelings whether or not we like or approve of them -- we are likely to deprive ourselves of certain comforts without even recognizing what we are doing.
Imagine what the world would be like if women accepted all their aspirations, actions, feelings and ideas. Imagine a world in which women take such good care of themselves that eating problems are obsolete!
Hearty appetite!
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Those of you who read Carol and Jane's column in the last issue of the newsletter will recall that they discussed the common tendency to turn the Overcoming Overeating guidelines into rules which incite rebellion. It is clear to us that diet thoughts and diet language find their way into the most valiant efforts of nondieters. We want to address an aspect of rule making and rule breaking -- the assumption that there is one "right" way to use the Overcoming Overeating approach. Our ubiquitous tendency to idealize the successes of others who are using this approach and to assume that they have found the "right way" exacerbates this problem.
It is important to acknowledge that we, as women, are encouraged to conform to rules and ideals that are not of our making. We learn that we should manipulate and torture our bodies to conform to someone else's ideal of the female form. We believe that we are in competition with one another on the basis of body size and shape to obtain the supposed good things in life. Rather than trust that who we are and how we feel are sufficient and satisfactory, we strive to emulate cultural role models. Currently, Kathleen Sullivan, ex-anchorperson, is serving as one of these role models and is advocating that Weight Watchers® and her own weight-loss process should be the way for all women. Via computer, she has "personally" written to thousands of women, inviting them to join her on her quest for traditionally acceptable beauty.
Because of our tendency to look for rules and ideals, even when we say no to one of the big outside rules -- diets -- we assume that the Overcoming Overeating road will be exactly the same for everyone, that there is, indeed, a right way to do it. We suggest an alternative. We want to promote the concept of the many roads to Overcoming Overeating, each one reflecting the individual's unique experience. A true sense of connection and community results when we look not only at the similarities we experience as we integrate Overcoming Overeating into our lives but when we also learn to tolerate and treasure the differences we experience as we travel along our individual paths.
Let's take an example. Denise struggled with herself for a long time about packing and carrying a food bag. One week, she was delighted to report to the group that she had finally been able to pack a new, more convenient food bag with lots of foods she really enjoyed. She felt great relief and felt good about herself as a demand feeder. "I've heard you talk about food bags again and again, but this time it really clicked for me. I feel as if I finally got it right."
The group was excited for Denise, but very soon other participants started talking about their own lack of success with the food bag. They assumed that Denise was doing it right and were comparing themselves to her -- as if what was right for Denise would be right for each of them (and, for that matter, would be right for Denise all the time from now on!) Denise's food bag became the ideal food bag with all the right foods packed perfectly. "None of those foods ever occur to me," said one woman wistfully. "I don't carry a food bag every day," said another. "Maybe I should try harder to do that."
When we say no to the diet road, we often assume that we are all on another road together -- a clearly defined Overcoming Overeating road. And not only are we all on the same road, but we are walking at the very same pace. The women in Denise's group who felt inadequate after hearing about her success thought that because they all began the journey at the same time, they should arrive at their destination simultaneously.
Groups are always particularly discombobulated when one or two people lose weight rather quickly as a result of demand feeding and others go on for years without any change in size. Is there a right way that leads to weight loss? Think about it. Some of you have struggled with dieting and compulsive eating for most of your lives. Your history -- and your metabolism -- are quite different from someone who has not dieted very much. Some of you come from families of large people, others of you have a different heritage. Some of you find a hunger for exercise in the same way you found stomach hunger; others of you will always experience exercise as a weight loss measure that you rebel against. Some of you feel comfortable when demand feeding leads to a change in your size; others do not feel as comfortable about it.
Each woman has her unique history and present circumstances; her process will reflect both her past and her present. When you try to push yourself further than where you are ready to be, you end up a little further "back" than where you were when you started yelling at yourself. Respecting your unique needs and pace will ease you into Overcoming Overeating in the one way that is right for you.
We encourage you to observe your successes and difficulties staying on your own Overcoming Overeating path and tune in to your internal barometer to answer the question, "Am I doing it right?" Ask yourself, "Am I feeling truly satisfied with the foods I am eating? Do I have all the foods available to me that allow me to be a good demand feeder of myself? How do my eating experiences feel to me? If no one else in the world were using this approach, how would I feel about myself and my eating now as opposed to when I began? Where am I on my road and where do I want to go?" Your particular experiences help weave the rich tapestry of the work we are doing together.
Please write to us about your experiences with any aspect of this approach -- legalizing and stocking; the when, what and how much of eating; self-acceptance; food bags -- and any of your experiences on your particular journey that have meaning to you. Remember that the newsletter is meant to be a forum for nondieters, an exchange of ideas, information, questions and observations.
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Home I trekked after a meaningful and stimulating introduction to the June 3-5 Overcoming Overeating Weekend Workshop organized by Carol and Jane. Shortly after participating in dyads to identify the areas where we feel our eating is stuck, it was time to adjourn for the evening. Somewhere churning about in my unconscious was a connection to my dyad partner's description of her love of ice cream.
Not hungry, but craving some mouth experience, I supplied myself with a pint of creamy Häagen-Dazs ice cream as I entered my home. (Only one, you may ask?) Yes, just one. I ate some of it, put the rest away and then went to bed.
After I told this experience to the group Saturday, Jane helped me make the connection between not wanting the Friday evening event to end and trying to keep the interesting and pleasurable part of the experiences I had with me when I went home. Eating the ice cream was a way to stay with the earlier part of the evening by putting it inside of me.
There are for me (and others?) certain foods like ice cream where the sensual experience in the eating is very significant. On Saturday when I was hungry, I found a similar experience in eating soft bagels with cream cheese and sweet jelly. Something like warm strawberry ice cream? Throughout the weekend this was my comfort food that I ate when I had stomach hunger.
Saturday evening posed similar anxieties, but what I had already learned allowed me to consider advocating in my best interest. I now knew that I probably didn't want the evening to end and I didn't want to lose my connection to all the other women. I considered a movie...too lonely. I considered walking...not safe and I had too much stuff to carry anyway. As I started walking out of the hotel, I passed the hotel restaurant and saw two of the women sitting down at a table. Should I join them? I wasn't hungry. Is that what I wanted to do? It felt right and I asked if they would mind my joining them for a drink. They seemed pleased to have my company and we talked about our common experiences and our excitement about what we were learning at the weekend workshop.
The conversation satiated me and a tired me left my new friends and returned to my place for the remainder of the night. I had been able to stay with the events of the day until I was more ready to leave. I could stay with the feelings of pleasure without food. Conversation (something of a mouth experience) and company were alternatives to ice cream.
As soon as I arrived for the final session on Sunday morning I was aware of preparing for the inevitable end of the conference. If ice cream doesn't work and my new found friends are going their own way, how will I take care of myself? More cream cheese and jelly seemed like the right match once again. I prepared my new favorite food early on so that even if I got caught up in the emotion of the ending of the weekend I would still be prepared to take care of myself in a sweet, nurturing, carefully prepared way when I was hungry again.
I was now ready to leave...my food bag restocked with something that represented an important part of the weekend for me. Interestingly enough, perhaps because I anticipated my needs and took care of myself, I was able to do some of the emotional work that led me to some personal breakthroughs during this last session.
The weekend over, the lessons many. New knowledge about myself and others, a far greater personal acceptance and acceptance of others. The critical voice is quiet now as I write this; I have a real voice that seems somehow more powerful to me now, as if I were discovering it for the first time. I can use it to communicate and to connect. And I have a new passion! Cream cheese and jelly, mine wherever and whenever I am hungry for it -- a reminder of a poignant and sweet time passed.
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Hello friends, comrades and fellow revolutionaries. Though we've never met, in some way, I feel like you know and understand me better than some of my closest friends! I was so happy when Judith, Carol, Jane and Carol decided to start a newsletter...as we all know, the first step in any revolution is establishing communication! So together, with nothing to lose but our dieting chains, we struggle on...
A little dramatic maybe, but hey...
I am sure that my experiences are similar to many of yours...Weight Watchers® at the age of 12...the Cambridge Diet at 16 (remember those goofy plastic shakers?) ...the "OK fine I will move to New York and come back skinny Diet" after college...more and more Weight Watchers until I arrived, despairing, desperate and very cynical at Judith Matz's doorstep in the spring of 1992. The past two years have been an incredible learning and growing experience, with many tears along the way. I am amazed by how far I have come. I am staggered by how far I have to go. But in my saner moments, I see this approach has brought me the first peace around food I've ever had. Last week, I heard myself saying that I am more comfortable with my body now, at its largest size ever, than at any other time in my adult life.
That does not dismiss, however, the mini-skirt factor...
Recently, Judith and Carol held a seminar in Chicago focusing specifically on body image. As one of the exercises, participants brought an article of clothing from their closet, that was representative in some way of their struggle. The stuffy, poorly lit hotel room became charged with memories, both painful and joyful, that were somehow embodied in these jeans, jackets, swimsuits, and T-shirts.
One by one, the participants held up their clothing, and they talked. Where they purchased it, their size at the time, how they felt about their size, and why they could not let it go. Tears flowed. Some women finished speaking and threw the clothing into the middle of the circle, to be discarded. Others could not, still not quite ready to let go of the feelings and memories the clothes represented to them.
My contribution was a blue jean mini-skirt, a size 13 (microscopic by my standards), which represented a time in my life when I was living a less structured life, working a variety of low paying jobs, struggling to become a writer. The skirt was my link to that self, who I remember as being free, sexy, easygoing. One look through my journals of those years shows I was actually riddled with self-doubt, deeply critical of my body, compulsive about food and eating and exercise. (At 5'8" and 135 pounds, I wrote "I hate this body, I just can't even look at it". And recovering from an exercise-induced injury, I commented, "I can't wait until I can get back to the gym, I am so tired of being so flabby.")
Did I throw the skirt away? Well, that's why this is called Notes from the Road, not Notes from the Finish Line. I brought that skirt back home, not quite ready to admit that my fantasies about life at that size were not true. However, I did roll it up into a ball and tuck it away in the very back of a closet, with the rest of my smaller sized clothes. Perhaps one day, I will let them all go, in a huge ritualistic bonfire, hanging on to the memories, but letting the pain and fear go up in a big cloud of smoke.
Good luck to us all!
Diane, a successful branch manager for a large bank in New York City, was looking into job opportunities in another department. During her search, the executive vice president called her in to talk her out of her search. "I consider him a mentor and I've always felt comfortable calling him and asking him any kind of question," Diane explained. But at the end of their conversation the exec said, "I just want to mention one other thing. Between us, you really need to lose some weight. I'm telling you this because the president of the bank had some concerns about it. It's an image problem."
"I felt as though he had punched me. I'm a very large woman, but at that moment I felt very small," Diane said. "I really felt unable to stand up for myself right then and there, but I tried to hold my ground and told him that I didn't believe in diets. He said that he didn't either. Because I had noticed that he had been losing weight, I asked him if he was cutting back on fats. He just reiterated that he didn't believe in diets and cut the conversation short. I came out of this feeling very crazy. Imagine, as we're leaving the office, he gave me a friendly kiss and said, 'I told you what I did because I care for you and respect you.' Then I felt even smaller, more violated and angry."
One evening soon after this encounter with her boss, Diane attended a New York City weekly workshop where she told her story. "Wow, in his position, he really took a risk telling you something like that," said one group member, "and you know he could be brought up on discrimination charges." "He said it's an image problem. What's in need of change is the image, not your body," said another participant.
Some time passed as Diane processed her boss' comments; then she gave him a call. The conversation went like this:
Diane: Hi, Ted. First of all I want to tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you went out on a limb to say what you said to me in our last conversation.
Ted: I felt that I had tested our friendship.
Diane: I want you to know that I gave what you said a great deal of thought and I've made a decision about what I'm going to do about my weight.
Ted: Oh, what's that?
Diane: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Except accept myself exactly the way I am!
There was a silence until Ted resumed the conversation.
Ted: You know, I'm glad you called because we have a few plans for you. I'd like to see you become vice president and area director. What would you think of that?
Diane: I'd be very interested. I'd love to talk to you about it.
The following week Diane went back to the Overcoming Overeating group and had this to say: "I'm so proud of how I handled my boss. I've come to realize that my weight has nothing to do with my professional skills. And I won't allow the company -- or even the former me who used to agree with them that I needed to lose weight before advancing professionally -- determine my reality. I feel terrific and have never felt better about my body and myself."
*NOTE: We have decided to use the term "bad body thought" instead of "fat thought." We have used the term "fat thought" to refer to all the negative thoughts we direct at our bodies when, in fact, something about ourselves or our feelings is making us uncomfortable. Unfortunately, the term, apt as it may seem, perpetuates the use of the word "fat" as a synonym for "bad." So, from now on, as the new saying goes -- a bad body thought is never about your body!
We have talked extensively about the fact that a bad body thought is never about your body. We hope we have convinced many of you that each time you comment on the size of your body -- no matter what you weigh -- you are actually commenting on something else that is disturbing you at the moment. Bad body thoughts are a way of speaking in code. And just as you have learned to speak in code, other people have also learned to translate their concerns into "fat talk."
When others make comments about your body, they are actually having bad body thoughts of their own; they are disguising some private, personal, painful feeling. Let's take some examples, starting with the most common one: the disgruntled lover or mate who cites your weight as the reason s/he no longer feels as attracted to you sexually.
Let's not mince words here. Having the person you love tell you that s/he does not want to sleep with you because you have put on weight is devastating. You feel that your world is collapsing and that you are to blame. Your old tapes start to play. "Of course I am much less desirable and attractive at this size -- in fact, I'm disgusting."
No matter how hard you have been trying to question these assumptions, or how diligently you have tried to break your body-bashing habit, these tapes trigger an old response that makes it extremely difficult to hold your ground and to recognize that what you are dealing with is simply another bad body thought situation.
What you must come to understand is that, this time, it is your partner who is having the bad body thought. S/he is using your body to communicate his or her own issue. This issue may have nothing whatsoever to do with you or it may involve you in some tangential way, but rest assured, it is not about the shape of your body. Perhaps your lover has difficulty with intimacy or is having a hard time at work and feels powerless. Somehow, your body has become the target. If, however, you do not allow yourself to succumb to the slings and arrows, and if -- instead of caving in -- you hold your ground, you may be able to find out what is really going on.
Harriet told us, "My husband said he couldn't stand how fat I've gotten. Fat, to him, is a sign of weakness and he can't stand weak people. I was so hurt and so angry. At first I told him that the size of my body was none of his business and that I didn't want him making any comments about it. I reminded him that I don't comment on his baldness. But then I realized we were just getting into name calling, so I took a deep breath and remembered that other peoples' bad body thoughts had little if anything to do with my body even if the comment was directed to me. I told him what I had learned about all the yelling I do at myself and how I use my body as a target for all of my unspoken thoughts and feelings. I then asked if he would think about what was going on in him at the moment he told me that my fat represented a weakness that he found repulsive. Was there something going on inside of him that he was repulsed by?
"At first he insisted that his concern was my weight. But I pointed out to him that I had been the same size for months before he raised the issue. I kept pushing and finally he was able to say that during a staff meeting that day, he felt he had not come across with his point of view strongly enough and, in fact, he was voted down on a very important issue. So it was his weakness that was bothering him and that provoked the bad body thought he directed at me."
At the moment your partner, friend, colleague or acquaintance brings up your size, there is something on his or her mind, and we can assure you that the "something" is not the size of your thighs. The person making the comment may think s/he is upset about your thighs and you may think so, too, but it's much more complicated than that. Two days ago you weighed the same as you do now, but did the person feel compelled to say anything then? No.
This other person in your life operates the same way you do. You have the same body every day. On certain days, however, you feel fat, and on certain days, s/he feels like drawing attention to your weight. S/he chooses to say something at a given moment because something is bothering her/him, something which cannot be named directly or perhaps even acknowledged. Let's say a colleague of yours just got off the phone, having lost an account to a competitor in another firm. You stop by to talk; she looks at you; she says that she is worried about you because you have gotten so much bigger. Who's too big? You? Or the competitor?
When people make these kind of remarks, we are quick to take them personally and at face value. It's hard not to. Remember, however, that a bad body thought is never about your body even when it's someone else's thought. If you keep that in mind, you will be able to figure out how to respond. Don't forget that you have options and that these options should be tailor-made for the situation. Sometimes you may want to address the other person's bad body thought very simply and say, "I know you're concerned about my size, but I'm actually quite pleased with how I'm handling my eating and my weight. I've stopped dieting and I'm feeling great."
No matter how you choose to respond to another person's bad body thought directed at you, remember to keep in mind the basic principle: A bad body thought is never, ever about your body!
My friend Janet brought three-year-old Michelle over for a play date. As her daughter walked through the front door, she went immediately to the lollipop cabinet.
"I want one," she whined to her mother.
"Not now, Michelle! Don't start this behavior again. Every time you play at Allie's house all you do is ask for lollipops and candy."
Last week, my two-year-old son and four-year-old daughter were having lunch with some friends. As we ordered our pizza, Allie remembered some chocolate she had saved earlier. She took it out of her backpack, unwrapped it carefully and offered to share it with her lunch companions. My son wanted a little bite, then proceeded to occupy himself by spilling the salt and pepper shakers over the table. The other children wanted the candy. Their mothers said "NO" in no uncertain terms. The mothers turned to me and said, "Ellen, can't they have that for dessert? If the kids eat that now, they'll never eat any lunch. Maybe Allie should put it away -- it's so bad for them anyway." Their children were told, "If you eat all of your lunch, you can have a treat for dessert." It is interesting to note that my friends' weight concerns and latest diets dominated much of the conversation once the pizza arrived.
Implementing the demand feeding approach in our own lives and raising our children with this philosophy has been a wonderful and enriching experience. But dealing with raised eyebrows at the least and angry reactions at the worst make for a sticky situation when young children are involved.
For instance, sometimes when Allie's friend, Michelle, is crying for a lollipop, my daughter will decide that she would like a lick or two as well. The first time Allie helped herself, I froze. Shortly after we met them, we invited Michelle and her parents over for a family dinner. Would it seem rude if Allie enjoyed her candy while Michelle continued to cry? Call me a "sucker" but I asked Allie to wait until after dinner. She was surprised, because demand feeding was a given in our home. I explained that Michelle's family has different rules about food, and that just for tonight we would change our rules as well. She was somewhat confused and frustrated, but quickly found a game to play. I, on the other hand, was very confused and frustrated.
After a family discussion the following day, we decided that in our house, we will abide by our demand feeding philosophy, offer an explanation to suspicious friends, and then allow our guests to deal with their children in a way which feels comfortable to them. Just as families differ in disciplining techniques, for example, the key is to respect each others' views while remaining true to one's own convictions.
Such differences lend themselves to positive questioning and discussions of various belief systems. The other day Allie had two young playmates over. Learning that in our house food is offered freely and without restrictions they enjoyed ice cream, chocolates and cookies. Their mothers listened as I explained the approach, responding, "If I let them do this in my house, that's all my kids would ever eat." Even after I explained the theory, they looked skeptical. But then something happened. The children asked Allie why she wasn't joining them in the feast. She explained that she wasn't hungry right now, but joined in the fun and laughter at the table. A few minutes later, she asked for some yogurt. My friends asked, "What was the name of that book?" Children truly are the best teachers!
One of my best friends said to me, "Even when I'm on a diet, the first thing I do when I come to your house is head for that candy drawer." "Try the Overcoming Overeating approach," I wanted to tell her again, "maybe then you'd take notice of my new coffee table instead!"
Ellen Frankel is the mother of Allison and Matt and works with the Massachusetts Eating Disorders Association (MEDA).
Dear OO,
When I first picked up the book Overcoming Overeating, I thought I was buying another diet book. I thought to myself, "This is it -- I can do this one!" (Like many of us have.) Well, how wrong and how right I was.
First I failed. I even took my book to a used book store. I thought, "You failed yet another diet plan." I found myself desperate. I wandered into a local company whose plan was like the "diet center" and similar to Blondie's approach -- No Fat!! and starvation levels of calories. I invested $1,000+, four months of my life, and lots of blood, sweat and tears. Their ad reads "It's not a diet -- it's a life style."
Somehow, after this failure, I made a connection about compulsion. As a daughter of an alcoholic I realized I didn't use alcohol to feel better, I used food. Everything revolved around what was there to eat wherever I was going. Next meal, next snack, next fix. When the light went on, I sought therapy. My therapist gave me the book Overcoming Overeating. And it finally all fit. Just prior to this I read Geneen Roth's book and it all came together.
It's still a struggle at times, but I find I have more great days and less bad ones. My weight has stabilized a little below what I gained after filling my house with real food. I've worked with body image and have become comfortable with my body as it is. I've learned to appreciate my strengths and weaknesses and build on those strengths.
I do have three questions. How can I become actively involved against the diet industry? I would also like to know how I can find others in my area who use the Overcoming Overeating approach. Is it possible to print my address? I would like to start a support system and possibly help someone else. And -- when will you be in my area? Please come soon!
Thank you!
Lori
Dear Lori,
Thanks for your letter. As far as fighting the diet industry goes, we recommend joining the National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance (NAAFA). You can contact their national office at 800/442-1214, or write to them at P.O. Box 188620, Sacramento, CA 95818. You can also get on the mailing list of the May 5th Coalition, P.O. Box 305, Mt. Marion, NY 12456.
In terms of finding others of like mind in your area, putting your name in the newsletter is a first step. (Readers interested in contacting Lori can reach her at 408/423-0738.) Perhaps you could post signs in appropriate places in your community announcing the formation of a self-help group based on Overcoming Overeating. Once the group is formed, if you'll write to Overcoming Overeating, P.O. Box 1257, Old Chelsea Station, New York, NY 10113-0920, we'll put your name on our self-help group list in case someone else from your area writes to ask about groups. We'd love to come to your area -- as soon as someone organizes a conference!
Dear OO,
Ten years ago I read Diets Don't Work, Thin Within, Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating, Eating Awareness and Overcoming Overeating. I believed what these books said, and so I began my lonely, lonely journey. When I told an acquaintance I was never going on another diet she looked at me as if I had said I was going to shoot the pope! The hardest part was getting away from the diet talks and comments. People automatically assume that if you're bigger than average, you want to be on a diet, and you hate yourself the way you are. I tried. I walked out of rooms when the conversation turned. Once in a while I'd try to convince someone of the hell of diets. But after years and years, I slowly got sucked into the maze. I finally succumbed to Powter Power. Consequently, I craved fats, berated myself when I didn't exercise and gained 20 more pounds!
Last week I found your newsletter on the table. It was like an old friend coming home after being cast out. I read it and almost cried, then I marched to the cupboard and wrapped up all that awful-tasting nonfat food. This time is so different. This time I am really and truly accepting my body the way it is or any way it becomes. This time I don't feel so alone.
Yesterday my boss told me about a possible new hire and that I would probably hate her because she was 5'2" and 90 lbs. I smiled and said, "Why? Do you think I believe that to be better than me?" Poor guy. He tried to get out of it but just stuck his foot in deeper. I didn't mean to hurt or embarrass him, but I really felt that way.
I am so much happier this week than last. Food tastes so damn good! I feel so sexy. I'm so happy with me. I don't know why this time is different, something just clicked. I'm a slow learner, I guess.
Are there any groups in the Northwest? Where are my pals in the non-dieting world? Can you offer any suggestions to handling the outside world any better when they start this madness? To me, that is the hardest part, though it is easier now than it was 10 years ago.
Gratefully,
Carol
Dear Carol,
You asked us about handling the outside world. It seems to us that you're on your way. Speaking up to your boss when he intimated that you'd hate someone thinner than you was an important start. So often we don't speak up in these situations because a part of us still agrees with the remark that is being made. Remember that at some point in the not-too-distant past, you shared his point of view. It might be helpful to review some points about how to handle other people's comments about food and weight.
Remember that whatever people are saying to you is no different from what you have said to yourself about food and fat for so many years. The best assertion to make is one that acknowledges the fact that you were once of the same mind as the person commenting on your size and/or your eating, but that now you see things differently. Then go on and explain as much -- or as little -- about your new point of view as feels comfortable. Remember that you are not looking to convince the other person about your position. You don't need their agreement. You are simply stating your new world view. After all, it is your body and your eating.
It can be a nuisance to hear people talking constantly about food and weight, but think about it this way. Each time someone makes a comment, it gives you an opportunity to reinforce your new ideas about your eating and your body. Your views may still be shaky, but expressing them helps anchor your perspective. Also, take a look at the "Bad Body Thought" column in this issue -- it's about other people's bad body thoughts.
Good Luck!
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Reprinted with permission of the author.
Kathy Ohtola is a resident of San Jose, CA, and teaches study skills at DeAnza College. A fat-acceptance activist (and sometime fashion model), Kathy has been a member of the National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance for 10 years, and has been following the Overcoming Overeating approach for three years.
We were born knowing how to eat. Yet, many of us have lost the connection between hunger and eating -- a connection we made naturally as infants. Years of dieting and/or years of using food as an antidote to anxiety have obscured our hunger signals. The demand feeding approach involves accumulating experiences of eating in response to stomach hunger. To do this, you listen for the internal signals which indicate that your body is in need of nourishment. "Am I hungry?" is the basic question to ask yourself day in and day out.
Eating when you are hungry feels very satisfying physically...and psychologically. As you collect stomach hunger experiences, your relationship to food will change dramatically. As you nourish yourself in this important way, you will find that your mouth hunger diminishes naturally and that this care you are providing for yourself creates a greater sense of well-being. Identifying stomach hunger, however, takes some doing. Let's review some of the difficulties people encounter re-establishing the hunger-food connection.
"I'm not sure what hunger feels like."
For many years now, you have been eating in response to external cues -- such as the time of day, the rules imposed by diet programs -- or to emotional upsets. It is not surprising that your physiological signals are either dim or gone. Your goal now is to rediscover your internal hunger signal.
Physical hunger is located in the stomach between your ribs and your waist and is accompanied by a variety of sensations such as an emptiness or gnawing. Other physical sensations can include lightheadedness, a headache, lack of energy, nausea and irritability. However, these symptoms may signal that you have gone beyond hungry to "starved." At this point, hunger will be uncomfortable; you are likely to have a difficult time making a good match and knowing when to stop because your body is screaming that it needs something...and fast. Some people have a hard time differentiating hunger from a feeling they describe as a tightness above their rib cage, in the chest area. The latter is often a sign of anxiety rather than hunger.
Stomach hunger sensations can range from "a little hungry" to "definitely hungry" to "very hungry." The point at which you respond to these signals is up to you. What feels comfortable? Try to fine-tune your awareness of various hunger states and respond accordingly.
"I never get hungry."
The reason you never seem to get hungry is because you still have a need to reach for food in response to mouth hunger. There are several ways to handle this situation.
Remind yourself that your need to eat in response to mouth hunger is perfectly fine. You have needed to turn to food as a self-help measure for a long time; you will continue to do this until you build up another system -- not overnight, but slowly. It is hard to believe that just beneath your mouth hunger eating is a hunger signal waiting to be rediscovered. Many of you will have to take it on faith that such a signal is really there. In the meantime, it is very important not to chastise yourself for your mouth-hunger eating.
For many people, hunger is associated with deprivation -- either the deprivation of diets or the deprivation of unfulfilled needs in childhood. They feel anxious about experiencing hunger and/or confused about whether or not to feed themselves. Women on diets feel virtuous, albeit extremely uncomfortable, when they are able to ignore their hunger cues; neglected children make it a virtue not to allow themselves to feel in need. Nadine found that in order to calm herself down when she felt stomach hunger, she had to keep reminding herself that she would always make sure she was "comfortably fed." The firm conviction that you will never deprive yourself makes it safe for your hunger signal to make an appearance.
To convince yourself that you are a good provider, you must have plenty of food available -- at home, at work, in the car and in your food bag. Getting hungry and having no supplies within reach creates a sense of discomfort and abandonment. If you feel neglected in this way, you will grab whatever is available as soon as you get near food. A trustworthy caretaker carries food and responds to hunger as quickly as possible.
"I'm afraid that if I let myself get hungry, I'll devour the world."
It is not uncommon to think that if you allow yourself to feel hungry, you will be insatiable. You have been trained to believe that you are uncontrollable around food and must keep certain foods off-limits. This training has convinced you that your eating should be controlled by someone more responsible than you -- enter the diet industry. No wonder you think that if you got in touch with your own hunger cues, you would be out of control. Remember that it is the deprivation of dieting that created your exaggerated yearning for food in the first place. Your hunger cues will put you back in control.
You may also fear that tapping into your physical sensations of hunger will reawaken other "hungers" or longings in your life which have gone unnoticed or unmet. Perhaps the emptiness in your stomach alerts you to some other emptiness you are experiencing in your life. Remind yourself that your physical need for food can be satisfied by your own attuned caretaking and that this attunement will serve as a model for addressing some of your other needs as well.
"How many times a day will I get hungry?"
Hunger is like your signature -- it's unique. Because no one stomach is like any other, this question is a difficult one to answer. In our experience, suggesting a specific number of times per day to eat too easily becomes another set of "shoulds" and thus a "stomach hunger diet." People who eat in response to stomach hunger report that they eat often throughout the day and find that on some days they need more food than on other days. How often you eat will also depend on how much you eat at a given time. Taking the edge off your hunger means that you will get hungry again soon; eating past fullness means it will take longer for you to get hungry again. Remember to drop all notions of meals and mealtimes and let your hunger be your guide.
Here is a general principle to apply: The more often you eat out of stomach hunger, the less need you will have to go to food for caretaking. Why? Each time that you feed yourself from stomach hunger you are demonstrating to yourself that you can be an attuned caretaker and reliable provider. In other words, you are showing yourself that you can take over the role food used to perform -- caretaking.
The act of eating on demand is psychologically transforming. Eating in response to stomach hunger makes you less anxious about food and more able to think about your problems rather than eat about them. Each time you eat in response to stomach hunger you have taken one more step towards ending your preoccupation with food. Make a big deal of this with yourself. "Gee, this is terrific! I'm hungry! It's time to eat!" Generally it feels wonderful to respond to yourself in this attuned and caring way and you will want to repeat the experience. Eventually, as you accrue more and more experiences with stomach hunger, it will not occur to you to eat unless you are actually hungry. How satisfying!!
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Premenstrual Syndrome and Food: An Interview with Elisa D'Urso
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Most women notice a change in their food patterns prior to the beginning of their menstrual cycle. Women working with the Overcoming Overeating approach have learned to trust their bodies' signals and therefore should relax and give themselves the foods they crave. In this interview with Elisa D'Urso, a Chicago dietician who works with the Overcoming Overeating approach, we explore the reasons why women's bodies need certain foods premenstrually.
Judith: Elisa, can you tell us what physiological changes occur premenstrually that trigger certain food cravings?
Elisa: Sure. Cravings for sugar are very common. The hormones in your body that change premenstrually affect your blood-sugar levels. Therefore the kinds of foods you crave as well as the frequency of your physiological hunger may change. Some of the hormones affect your body's ability to maintain stable blood-sugar levels. Foods high in sugar raise blood-sugar levels quickly and trigger your body to release a lot of insulin. The insulin then causes your blood sugar level to drop rapidly, leaving you in a physiological state of craving sweets again. If you "check in" with your stomach hunger and find that something "substantial" (such as a protein like meat, milk or nuts) would feel right for you with the sweet, you may find that your blood-sugar level stays at a more even keel. This additional food may help avoid the rapid drops contributing to more cravings.
Carol: Many women have reported actually getting stomach hunger much more frequently premenstrually. What's the physiological reason for that?
ED: The hypothalamus in your brain is one of the parts of the body that registers hunger and satisfaction. This also is a body part affected by the hormones that change before menstruation begins, and it's fairly clear that hunger and satiety change at that time. Many women simply eat more premenstrually than they might at other times of the month. The hypothalamus may also affect moods.
CG: Elisa, women talk to us about feeling physiological cravings, but not in response to stomach hunger. It's as if the body needs something, but it does not seem to have to do with hunger. Although some women have this feeling at other times of the month, it occurs much more intensely during PMS.
ED: Yes, this absolutely happens! The body's ability to sense hunger and satiety are altered premenstrually, and that's why you might have trouble even identifying stomach hunger.
JM: We are often advised to restrict certain foods premenstrually. For women using Overcoming Overeating, this is disturbing. Yet it seems that craving salty foods and eating them leads to bloating and discomfort. As a dietician who uses the approach, how do you deal with this?
ED: There is usually no real reason to restrict foods premenstrually. For most people bloating is a redistribution of water in the body, not a major "retention". The concentration of sodium in your blood system may get "diluted," and this may trigger a craving for sodium. Also, excess carbohydrates (simple sugars, for example) cause water to pool in your body, and that can also result in feeling bloated. It's complicated. Hormonal changes probably redistribute the water in the body, and the sodium in your body (an electrolyte) will move around. The water will then follow the sodium and cause pooling as well. So adding protein or complex carbohydrates can help, if those choices fit in with your hunger needs. For some women, adding a high-potassium food such as bananas or orange juice also helps. The only reason to consider an alternate choice for sodium is if you have severe side effects -- in other words, if your body is telling you that the food you ate just didn't feel good.
CG: I think it's sometimes confusing for women to discern a particular side effect from a particular food.
ED: Yes, it is...Women often feel that today's "side effects" have to do with yesterday's food, and that is not always the case. The effect on your body of salt and sugar, for example, is fairly quick -- within hours for salt and possibly minutes for sugar.
JM: We hope the explanations about bloating and side effects will feel calming rather than alarming. We find it helpful to understand more about the physiology, as long as the knowledge is then not turned into rules.
ED: I think that's true. Someone may not even think, when she's having a craving for chocolate, "Gee, would some milk feel good with that?" If the answer is "no" fine, but maybe knowing about the physiology will broaden the options.
CG: Speaking of chocolate, that seems to be a big craving. Why do you think that is?
ED: Well, it's probably a combination of the physiological craving due to low blood sugar premenstrually, but also that the chocolate breaks down in such a way that it validates some of the emotional meaning chocolate has for many people. Chocolate breaks down into a substance in your body that has an endorphin-like effect, causing an elated, pleasurable, relaxed sensation. Many women tend to feel more depressed or irritated due to hormonal changes, and the chocolate may take care of some of that.
JM: We also hear a lot about caffeine and premenstrual syndrome. What are your thoughts about that?
ED: Caffeine, and alcohol, for that matter, operate just as simple sugars do. They cause a rapid rise, and then a rapid drop, in blood sugar levels. Sometimes a reduction in caffeine can help with premenstrual breast tenderness. The other thing we know about caffeine is that it operates as a drug, and if you're already feeling tense and anxious, it may not be your drug of choice.
JM: But, of course, we'd recommend again that each woman make that her own decision. If restricting coffee feels like deprivation, then the absence of it won't do much to calm that person.
ED: Of course.
JM: What happens after a hysterectomy? Do women still experience premenstrual syndrome?
ED: Whether a woman has had a total hysterectomy with the fallopian tubes and ovaries removed, or a partial hysterectomy, there's still a break in the hormonal pathway. Generally, the sense is that she will experience few or no "premenstrual" symptoms for 6 to 12 months after the surgery, and then premenstrual symptoms return. I would recommend that women in this situation think about charting their cycles (breast tenderness and mood swings are good indicators).
CG: So, in general, is there anything you recommend to women using the Overcoming Overeating approach?
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ED: If you are premenstrual, continue to eat whatever your body craves and give yourself permission to accommodate whatever changes you experience in the frequency of hunger and the nature of the cravings. Remember that traditional books about PMS will recommend foods to avoid. Now that could be depressing! Your choices need to be internal, and I hope no one will use what I'm saying to begin yelling "shoulds" at themselves. Exercise consistently has been shown to help modify some premenstrual symptoms. In addition, some women find multivitamins ("Stresstabs" with extra B-complex) helpful for a couple of weeks before menstruation begins. Occasionally a physician may prescribe a mild diuretic to help with severe PMS discomfort, but if you have a history of diuretic overuse, you would want to be very cautious about looking into this option. Other than that, I would recommend that you use some of this information to understand what your body is going through at that time of the month, carry extra food supplies if you need them for the stress as well as for your more unpredictable hunger, and be as kind and loving to yourself as you are able. JM: Elisa, what you've told us really validates listening to the messages our bodies so miraculously give us. |
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© Copyright 1994, The National Center for Overcoming Overeating
Contributors retain all rights to their work. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the National Center for Overcoming Overeating, P.O. Box 1257, Old Chelsea Station, New York, NY 10113-0920.
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